I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
jealous because the voices
only talk to ME.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
someone real bad...
Are you real bad?
BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are
and I married their king.
The more you
the longer God makes you live.
We've got what it takes
to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff.
Laziness pays off now.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
As long as
there are tests,
there will be prayer in public schools.
Hang up and drive.
God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
Your kid may
be an Honor Student,
but YOU'RE still an idiot.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive...
You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
remember you're unique...
Just like everyone else.
If You Want To See My Finger
have a license to kill.
I have a learner's permit.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the
Preparations A through G?
Please have exact change.
5 days a week
my body is a temple.
The other two, it's an amusement park.
We'll strip mine the other planets later.
If you drink,
Accidents cause people.
If you can
I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Trade them for valuable prizes.
when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
My wife keeps
complaining I never listen to her
...or something like that.
Sure you can
trust the government!
Just ask an Indian!
calculus don't mix.
Never drink and derive.
If we are
what we eat,
I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Don't re-elect them!
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial
cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the
The things that come to those that wait may be the things
left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
are only alive because
it is illegal to shoot them.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
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